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Week 1 - Commit to Grow Together

Question of the Week
Do I actually believe that our marriage can get better?

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 1:6

Something to Think About

Marriage is God’s creation and design.

He designed it so that two imperfect and sinful people would come together for His purposes. That means that you each enter into the marriage and exist in the marriage as works in progress. As a result, marriage will always be a work in progress. You will never “arrive,” BUT there is always hope no matter your difficulty.

Consider this – your yard, like your marriage, is a work in progress. There are weeds to pull, grass to mow, and seed to plant. It doesn’t end. Marriage is the same, especially if you’re pursuing the marriage that God intended for you.

There is no room for lazy optimism – “If I leave it alone, it’ll get better” – or critical pessimism – “It is what it is and all it’ll ever be.” Instead, Jesus calls us to Biblical Realism – “No matter how good or bad things are, there is always room to grow.”

Questions to Consider:

Are you more likely to err on the side of lazy optimism or critical pessimism?
What are common behaviors of lazy optimism? What about critical pessimism?
When you think of biblical realism, what do you immediately think of or focus on?
What are some godly behaviors of biblical realism?

Lab Exercise

Spend time taking a marriage inventory. On a scale of 1-5, how would you rate the following areas of your marriage? What are some concrete reasons why?

Spiritual – How are we doing spiritually?
Relational – Are we connecting with each other?
Fun – Are we having fun?
Sex – How healthy is our sexual intimacy?
Health – How healthy are our schedules, rhythms, and habits?

Have a Growth Conversation:

Spend time sharing your insights with your spouse. Fight the urge to point out all the problems, frustrations, and disappointments around these categories.
This week, identify 1-2 things that you can do to serve your spouse and increase their score in one of these areas.
Identify 1-2 things you can do this week to improve your own score in one of these areas.
Set a reminder on your phone – in a few days, follow up with your spouse.

Date Ideas
THE GOAL: Do something together that will help you grow closer together and or as an individual.

Read a book or listen to a podcast. Then, grab coffee and discuss what you are learning.
Grab dinner and have a discussion around 3-5 hopes and dreams you have for your marriage.
Brainstorm a list of family or marriage values.
Create a list of how you want to be pursued and have your spouse pick 1-2 ideas to try.
Make a list of ways your spouse can pray for you.
Together, set annual, quarterly, or monthly goals.

Week 2 - Connection

Question of the Week
During the weekend message, we discussed 5 practical areas in which to move towards your spouse:

Create a unique relationship.
Cancel debts quickly.
Catch the foxes.
Close the bedroom door.
Cultivate spiritual support.

This week, ask your spouse: How can I move toward you in one of these practical areas?

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19:4-6

Something to Think About
One of God’s intentions for marriage is that a husband and wife would be connected in such a way that the best way they could describe that connection is “being one.” This connection happens when two individuals are so closely connected that what makes them distinct and disconnected is outweighed by what makes them unified and connected. This is what God wants for you and your spouse. Think about that for a moment.

In order to become a connected “one,” we need to do two things.

Mitigate and manage anything that produces disconnection and disunity.
Maximize and promote anything and everything that produces connection and unity.

When we are effectively working on those two things, we are on the way to a more connected marriage.

Questions to Consider:

Have you ever had moments or a season where you felt “one” with your spouse? What was happening in your life when this happened?
What are some things you do for your spouse that make you feel connected to them?
What are some things that your spouse does that make you feel connected to them?
Where do you have the most room in your marriage to grow? In the things you need to maximize and promote or the things you need to minimize and manage?

Lab Exercise – Dialing in Connection

Feeling connected with your spouse can be a complicated and confusing process. But for simplicity’s sake, think about connection in relation to three important categories – relational connection, sexual connection, and spiritual connection. These are not the only categories, but they are major ones. If you are connected within the three, you will likely feel VERY connected to your spouse.

Imagine that each of these categories has three dials, and the dials move from 1 to 10. A one means that your connection in this area is very poor, and a ten is an excellent connection. When your dial and your spouse’s dial have a big gap, you will likely feel disconnected. When your dial and your spouse’s dial are close, you will likely feel connected.

Take a moment for each of you to “set the dial” to where your connection is as a couple. Try to think of clear examples of why your dial is where it is. It can also be helpful to define what a “one” and “ten” look like.

1. Relational Connection

Intention – What actions and behaviors make me feel that my spouse is intentionally loving me?
Attention – What actions and behaviors demonstrate a priority to them?
Appreciation – What actions and behaviors demonstrate that they see me as valuable to them?

2. Sexual/Romance Connection

Frequency – How often do I reasonably want to have sex?
Spontaneity – How often should sex be planned (like after date night) versus on a random day of the week?
Variety – How much variety do I want to have in our sexual experiences together?

3. Spiritual Connection

Reconciliation – How long does it take to ask for and give forgiveness? How long does it take for us to return to peaceful and joyful interactions?
Formation – How often do we share what God is teaching us and how we are trusting God?
Mission – How are we partnering with each other to build God’s kingdom in our marriage, our family, and our church?

After reviewing each of your answers, take some time to discuss how you could move the dial from where you are to ideally where you think you could be. If time and emotional energy are short, pick one category for each of you.

Connected people are partners, and partners negotiate. So lovingly and understandingly negotiate how you can dial in your connection.

Date Ideas
THE GOAL: Do something that will produce “face-to-face” time and meaningful conversations that aren’t about the logistics of family life or your schedules.

Plan a Progressive Dinner
Read a devotional together and discuss it
Do community service together, then get dinner
Build a campfire and make s’mores
Get a couples massage
Create a photo book together with pictures on your phone
Go to dinner… but pick your spouse’s meal
Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your spouse
Play The Questions Game
Do a dinner and night at a hotel away from home

Week 3 - Enjoyment & Fun

Scripture
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

1 Timothy 6:17b

Something to Think About
Do you regularly think about what God wants for you? Do you think about the gifts He gives to you? A home, a family, a job, community…marriage. Marriage is, in fact, a gift from God. He has intentionally gifted us marriage so that we will enjoy it.

Enjoying the gift of marriage is NOT something God intended for just a few lucky couples. He desires that all of us would find enjoyment in marriage. Because of this, one of the ways we honor God in our marriage is by learning how to enjoy our marriage and enjoy our spouse. This is important. Most of us think passively about enjoyment, that it is something that just happens to us. However, scripture shows us that enjoying marriage is a learned skill that we need to cultivate ourselves.

Questions to Consider:

How would you describe your enjoyment of marriage?
When considering your marriage, identify instances and experiences that have brought the most enjoyment.
What are some things about your spouse that you enjoy?
Have you ever “tried” to enjoy something before?
How much effort have you put into enjoying your marriage?

Lab Exercise – Enjoy it!

One of the challenges to enjoying your marriage is figuring out how to have fun together. Having fun on our own is a lot easier! As a couple, set aside 20-30 minutes and do the following exercise together.

Each person should make a list of 3-5 things that they personally think would be fun to do together.
Share your list and why you think what you wrote down would be fun to do together.
1. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t have anything on your lists in common. That is normal!
2. Do your best to have a “wow” attitude, not a “how” attitude. (Look for ways to say “wow” and entertain their ideas instead of identifying “how” those ideas will never work.

Each person picks 1-2 things on their spouse’s list that they would be willing to do first.
1. Remember, enjoyment is learned. There may be some things your spouse is interested in that you are not excited about. Just remember that you may find out it is not as bad as you first thought.
2. In week 1, we talked about mutual submission. One of the ways we do that is to sacrificially invest in what our spouse thinks is enjoyable.

Schedule an opportunity for you both to do those two things.
1. If it is not on the calendar, you don’t have a plan… you have a wish.
2. Often, simply getting it on the calendar is the hardest step in making fun happen.

Divide up who is responsible for the tasks needed to make the fun happen.
1. Schedule childcare, make reservations, buy tickets, research instructions, etc.

Do the fun.
1. Take pictures.
2. Talk about what you enjoyed most about the experience.

Date Ideas
THE GOAL: Do something fun and new. Pick an activity that has “shoulder to shoulder” time, not just “face-to-face” time.

Take a class together (cooking, dancing, art, karaoke)
Go for a hike with a picnic meal
Do an activity (ax throwing, mini-golf, bowling, go-karts, escape room, arcade, sports game)
Go shopping and have each person pick out an item for the other to wear
Have a date night in (play games, paint, movie marathon)